Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Seeking Articulation

This is probably a bit of a weird thing to write a blog entry on, seeing as the whole point of blogging is to write and express your thoughts and feelings, but I feel like I'm not very good at being articulate. The way I feel about things is complex and detailed and whenever I try to verbalise those things I just feel like words fall short. I'm reading a book called Losing Kit at the moment (I'm sure a review will follow once I finish because I'm pretty much reviewing everything I read at the moment) but it has this quotation in it which I really like:
"Feelings are much more fragile than words, feelings lose their meaning. Words are consistent."
 And it just got me thinking about my relationship with words and feelings. I think I just have issues negotiating the way you translate feelings into words. I just feel like language can be inadequate sometimes; if there are words out there that portray the way I feel about certain things then I haven't found them yet. 

I get this feeling all the time with dreams. I love sleep anyway (I mean who doesn't? Sleeping is amazing) but I particularly like going to sleep because I always have really vivid dreams. Maybe one day I'll do a post about some of my more interesting dreams, but some of my dreams are so vivid and complex I find it really amazing. (Also apparently it's not normal to be able to control your dreams? I thought this was a thing that everyone can do but apparently not) I'm pretty good at remembering my dreams when I wake up, but unless they were particularly impressive or I write them down, they eventually fade as the day goes on, which brings me to my point. When the specifics fade, I get left with this really hard to describe feeling of what it was like. It's a weirdly physical thing; I can feel in the centre of my chest this cloud of emotion that perfectly sums up what happened, but I can't translate that into visuals or words. I have a very visual mind so I can bring up images of how my more memorable dreams looked, but I can't do that with this feeling. Sometimes I feel like if I just knew how to go about translating that feeling into something else then I'd be able to perfectly remember what exactly happened, but I just can't. This is how I feel about trying to write in general.

I really enjoy the process of writing, of trying to translate the way I feel into words, but I don't think I'm overly good at it. I always end up floundering about and failing to find words that encompass those feelings. But I also don't really mind this? At the end of the day, trying and failing to articulate it is better than just not trying at all. Plus I'm not writing for any great purpose. I get very embarrassed when I think of other people reading the things I write ("why do you have a blog then Sophie?" you might ask, "why do you post these ramblings on the internet where everyone could read them?" Fair point imaginary stranger, fair point.) which is kind of because I never feel like I've expressed myself well enough, but I still really enjoy trying. I do think I'm improving though! It's one of the reasons why I've started blogging more, I think I'm slowly learning how to articulate myself better. During the times when I haven't updated this blog regularly I've used my diary/journal thing to ramble and express my thoughts in instead which is probably why so many of my blog posts end up going into stuff to do with my personal life. I'm used to using writing as a way of processing my emotions and reactions to things so by default I tend to end up relating things to my life too much.

Maybe this is why I enjoy reading so much, because I love those moments where I read something that someone else has written and I see that they've managed to verbalise something that I've never been able to. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to look at something I've written and feel like I've actually been able to fully express what I feel. Who knows!

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