Does anyone else go through phases of expression?
I'm not wildly talented at any one thing. I am vaguely creative and enjoying dipping my toe in various forms of expression but I've never had one definite thing that I can hold onto and define myself by. I flit between forms of expression and I muck about with them for a while and then something else will take my fancy and I'll be distracted with that for a while.
This is kind of what has happened with this blog.
I am still reading. I am still having opinions on books. In fact I have been reading voraciously and have discovered some absolute gems and books that will stay with me forever. I'm just finding it hard to translate all of these into posts at the moment. I have been slightly more successful at using YouTube to express myself, but mostly I have been making lot of playlists.
So. Many. Playlists.
This is not just an elaborate way of plugging my 8tracks (although y'know....click here if you wanna...) but more of an acknowledgement of the fact that I frequently struggle to navigate between my love of words and my feelings of inadequacy related to them. I feel too clumsy and I just don't know how to express myself in ways that don't feel clunky and rambly, which is okay if you're talking in a YouTube video because you can at least edit together something vaguely coherent at the end of it. If the only way I can express my feelings about a book is to clutch it to my chest and make inarticulate noises then that's a lot harder to translate into blog posts!
But recently I've been realising that I do know how to turn this into a playlist. Which is probably why I've been making such a ridiculous amount of them.
I've mentioned book soundtracks before on this blog but that is something that has been replacing reviews recently. My book soundtracks are more than just songs that I listened to when I was reading a book. They are filled with songs that put into words the things that I am never able to say in a way that satisfies me. Sometimes this happens lyrically, other times it's just the feeling and atmosphere that the song evokes. When I listen through the playlist I am able to transport myself right back to the time when I was reading the book and I can remember all of the feelings it inspired in me. Hopefully when other people listen to them they can get the same thing, but who knows!
Obviously using music as a form of expression and a way of interpreting the world is not a terribly new thing. You just have to look at the history of relationships and see the amount of mixtapes that have been made for significant others to see the role that music plays in our self expression.
Sometimes putting things into words is confusing and the whole thing just falls flat. Whatever the original emotion was it has completely fallen apart by the time I have tried to turn it into a thing that other people can understand. So I guess instead I just piggyback on other people, far more talented people, and I use their words instead. It's like all I have to do is find the magic combination of songs and then you'll get it, whatever "it" is that I'm trying to say, and it'll be way clearer than if I used my own clumsy, half-formed words.
So playlists are where I have been at recently. And I won't lie, I think I've made some great ones recently. Some are just things I threw together because I liked the songs, others have successfully managed to capture feelings and emotions I have about people and books and those are the ones I'm actually pretty proud of. But I think I should try to get back into this again. Because whilst it's really great to be able to listen to a playlist and be like "this totally encapsulates how I feel about that", it would be really nice if I could actually use my words to do this as well. I think I need to stop being so afraid of messing up, accept the fact that I probably will do, and then just do the thing anyway, even if it feels like I am failing utterly.
This is a very long winded way of me addressing the fact that I have been an incredibly shoddy blogger recently. Sorry bout that. I'm hoping to be a bit better from now on.